I thought I am through with this already. But even how much I rationalize my feelings, the fangs of sadness really consumes me. I think it is no longer the thought of him away. We have gone pass that realization already. I think it is really more of the memories, that even for a short while we became once again a complete family that will be truly missed. I miss the “ulit-ulit” in the mornings while I am still half awake and manong would just curl up beside me. Before he got the visa, I considered that practice as a bullshit start of the day. His never ending pangulit would start the moment I wake up and the moment I go to bed. I dreaded it. But now, that he is away. I relish every bit of it. I would often close my eyes and wish that it would last forever knowing that this unique expression of brotherhood will happen again in a long time. I will miss the moments when I would arrive from school and he will be the one to open the door and greet me with this pointing finger over my mouth. I miss the moments when we would watch DVD together and insist that we will turn on the air condition. I miss the moments when we have to debate or fight over his piece of clothing since I have only a limited baggy few.
These are the simple memories we have when we were together for the holidays. Now, he is on his way back to Canada for another long time. This time, I do not know when he will come back. I only hope that this sadness will subside just like before when he went off for the first time. On the brighter note, this has caused us to value our brotherhood more and we became more open and loving. Distance has actually made us closer.
I will surely miss his presence in the house. Nevertheless, skype will provide us the channel but the longing will always be there - the longing to be a complete family where he can ulit ulit me whenever he like.
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